I was at Fays drugstore in my ambulance uniform this morning, I had just gotten off duty. I walked down the cold remedies isle looking for some cough drops, right past a young lady in her mid-twenties standing in front of the thermometer section. She turned to me as I passed and said “Can you help me?”
I said “Sure, what can I do for you?” She started her story with, “I just got married last month. My new husband’s daughter is sick at home and her doctor wants me to take her temperature, rectally, I think he said?”
“I don’t know a thing I’m doing.”
“I need to buy a thermometer, but which one?”
“We don’t have a lot of money to spend.”
I pointed to the Ballo Family Rectal and she grabbed it. She took it down from the hook and turned it over to read the instructions. She muttered “Dip in petroleum jelly and insert gently an inch or so” Then… “That’s really going to help me out!”
I said to her “Don’t worry. If you want, I’ll follow you home and teach you how to take a temperature”
She said “That would be great!”
We started walking towards the register when it occurred to me to ask about Vaseline. I got an “I don’t know?!” So I grabbed a jar. I followed her home (just around the corner) and we went into the house. She handed me the bag with the stuff and we walked into her daughter’s bedroom.
I was somehow expecting to find a 2 or 3 year old child, but instead found a 15 or 16 year old girl lying on her bed with just underwear on.
I opened up the thermometer package and took the lid off the jar off Vaseline.
I turned to the Mom and said “There are 2 ways we can do this…She is already on her back, so we can just lift up her legs to put it in, which might be easier for you just starting out… Or we could do it the conventional method by rolling her onto her stomach.”
She replied “Can you show me both?”
I said “Sure… we can start with the back side.”
I asked what her daughter’s name was. The girl looked up at me and said “Emily.”
I said “Hi Emily! We need to take your temperature now. I’m going to take your underpants off.” and pulled them down her legs and off. I turned to the mom and said “The only way to do this right is to bring her knees up to chest, then watch what that does.”
I said “Emily, can you hold on to your legs?” as I helped them up and over. As her legs flexed, her anal opening came into view, then started to dilate nicely. I pointed this out to the mother. Emily reached her arms around her legs and held them tight.
I started to explain to the mother “You take the thermometer and dip it in the Vaseline, then hold it level here”
She bent forward to get a good view. I had the bulb about an inch away. “You nudge it in slowly until she tightens her muscles up” I moved the thermometer forward and centered the tip at her anal opening.
The bulb just disappeared into her when her muscles tightened up, then relaxed. “Then you should put it in another inch and hold it there with your hand cupped over her perennial area… Then you count and wait.”
“4 minutes is good enough, then pull it straight out.”
I rotated it and announced a reading of 101.4, then said “OK Emily, turn over onto your stomach.” Emily rolled over and put her head down.
I said to the mother “This position involves some spreading of the buttocks.” I placed my fingers into her buttcrack and separated. “You might want to smear some Vaseline onto her if she’s dry there. You can insert the thermometer a little faster this way…” and I proceeded to poke it into her. She tightened up her buttocks and wiggled her body. We waited 4 minutes and I took it out.
I said to the mother “See, that wasn’t too bad, was it?”
She said “No, but just let me try it before you go…”
Poor Emily, she got poked another 5 times before her new mother got the hang of it. What a day !